Quiet

Eric is on vacation. A working vacation I suppose.

And it feels very quiet at home as I sit here trying to read for class on my computer. The thing is, I am not sure it is any more silent now than it is when he is sitting in the next room, on his computer. He does type loudly. I worry for his keyboard. But he's not always typing. A lot of the time he is reading. I think its his presence, or my knowledge that he is just there around the corner, that must normally fill up the air.

Kale-Squash Gratin

This is for people who want to eat healthy and not spend very much time at the stove.

So this recipe is from one of those recipe cards that you can get at the grocery store. I love to pick those up but this is the first time I have ever used one. I nabbed a $1 butternut squash at the farmer's market, and it reminded me that I had this recipe stowed away. This recipe is a winner in my opinion. It tastes good, doesn't have many ingredients, and is nutritious! People, kale is the main ingredient and its yummy. Go forth and cook!

First, get yourself a butternut squash (or an acorn squash), some kale, and an onion. Chop these things up. Put the squash in the bottom of a greased baking dish, cover it with 2 tbsp flour and some grated Parmesan. Then put the kale and the onion on top. Put more squash on top of this if you have enough left (I didn't). Pour a 12-oz can of evaporated milk over everything. Top it all with some cheddar cheese and put it in the oven at 400 for 45 minutes. Voila! Easy peasy.

Why

Why do we continue to do things that make us unhappy? I know, at this point in my life, the things that make me happy and the things that make me unhappy. In the first category are cooking, crossing things off my to-do list, dancing, yoga, seeing friends, talking to friends, and listening to music. In the later are many things that I did today--procrastinating, sleeping too late/too long, forgetting to call people, not writing letters that I was supposed to.

I think the thing is, the happiness things require action. And instead of acting, I sit and I sleep or I do the immediately necessary thing.

What I need is commitment and accountability. Yesterday I went to this dance show where my friends were performing and it was a great time and I left there buoyed by seeing people that I like and by seeing some dance. Why did I go? Honestly, I think it was because the day before in class I had told people that I would go. In the moment of final decision-making, this commitment was what kept me from saying "Oh, I dunno if I really want to go."

I am trying to figure out how to expand this notion to other parts of my life. Or how I can get myself to actually feel accountable to myself, the future me or the me-that-knows-better. If I could do this, I think 95% of my problems would be solved. I would always exercise, because future-me would definitely favor that. I would get up early and eat breakfast at a leisurely pace.

If anyone knows how to do that, advice would be much appreciated.

The Movers

"There ought to be rituals for the leaving of houses. But we just call the movers."

This is yet another gem from Cary Tennis. I don't know why I am copying it for you since SURELY after my repeated laudatory posts about this man's writing you all read his column regularly.

Anyway, my parents are moving out of our house. Into a better one, and I am very happy for them. They were going to move when I was just a wee freshman in college and I threw a fit, basically. It was about as mature as it sounds, but at the time it really terrified me to think that I wouldn't be able to come home from college. Leaving for college is a time of upheaval and I really couldn't take another major change. I do have a sentimental streak in me after all.

But now I'm okay. I'm okay but I still think Cary is right. We should have rituals, but instead we call the movers. As if a home is just a place where your stuff is. We all know it isn't, but we don't have a ritual, so we just call the movers. If there were a ritual I could say to my professors that I have to take a day off of class and go home to say goodbye to my house. But instead, they will probably sell it before I can get to it. Because modern life doesn't understand humans. But that is a topic for another post.

*I was going to call this post "Tennis," in reference to Cary Tennis, but then I realized that I also played tennis today for the first time in a very long time. Heh.

Home

This is a curtain in our new home. I sewed buttons onto that curtain, and I hemmed it, and though it does not look like much, I am quite proud of it.

I like the new place very much. This will surprise you after hearing two things:

1) We have no dishwasher.
2) We don't have cable.

I know. I know.

The first thing is so far, not so bad. Check back in 3 months or so. But so far, it is not so bad to scrub my cereal bowl once I am done eating my cereal.

The second thing, is actually a positive change. I know. We decided not to get cable because most of the shows I watch I can get online and the other ones (Mad Men) I can buy on iTunes. It was not a decision I made easily, but staring at $40 a month just made me decide that it was time to act like an adult and make a sane financial decision. I thought it would be quite a sacrifice, but just a necessary one. But I actually like that an entertainment option has been taken away from me. It makes me more creative with my time. For example, I would probably not have gotten around to this blog post if we had cable. I would have flipped it on and found that, say, Friends was on. (oh...should not have written that...now I feel like watching a Friends rerun. Have the DVDs but no player yet--working on it). And there would go my hour/half-hour.

I find that I have these 30-60 second moments when I come home and don't know what to do really. In those 30-60 seconds I would normally turn on the TV. But now I can't. So I have to think of something else.

(I do know that all of this is like basic life 101 to most people, but TV and me have been like *this* for as long as I can remember, so it's no small potatoes.)

Other things I like about our house:
- its ours
- the floors are hardwood
- there are built-in shelves, desks, and a lazy susan (was unreasonably excited to discover the lazy susan)
- from our window I can see a garden that a neighbor is growing
- we have a plant (seen in the picture above)
- we can walk to almost anything--coffee shop, grocery store, best buy, target, Bloomingfoods, ice cream store.

And now, off to said grocery store.

Nostalgia

I have lately been feeling nostalgic for younger me. In very small ways, but it keeps happening. The other day in the shower something smelled like old Bath and Body Works and transported me back to days gone by. And then a Moulin Rouge song came onto my Pandora station, and I remembered living and dying by that movie. I loved that movie. I went for a run and thought about when I used to run around the block and see if I could do the whole thing just by listening to Lady Marmalade and a Pink song.

It's not like I don't have favorite fragrances anymore or movies I love, but these small things keep popping up and taking me back and like, its almost as if this old me is someone that I miss. I liked her and its sad that I never get to see her anymore. I am still me, and I don't feel like a huge shift has occurred, but I just don't listen to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack on repeat with my Ipod mini during family road trips anymore.

I wonder if this thinking is because I feel on the verge of true adulthood and am mourning my evermore distant adolescence. Maybe.

Epiphany

I thought I already "got it" that my wedding didn't have to be perfect. I am not a perfectionist. I knew I didn't care if my bridesmaids shoes were all the same or if the cake were to show up on the wedding day being the wrong flavor.

But.

That doesn't mean I had let go of the idea of a perfect day. My idea of perfect is a little different than the standard wedding perfect, but I had one nevertheless. I had beautiful weather, all of my family and every single last friend being there, simple dress, tasty food, fabulous pictures, and the just-right venue of beautiful scenery and laid back charm. This idea of perfect is better, in some ways, than the "the chicken MUST be served AT 7:15 pm!" perfect, because it is more my style. But it is still unattainable. It is still an ideal.

This epiphany has made me so much more relaxed. Because I thought I already was relaxed, and yet somehow I remained stressed out trying to figure out how to make it all happen. So I thought there was no more give. But there is. It won't be perfect. It won't even be my version of perfect.

But it will still be great.

*weight off shoulders*