Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Planning

I just had this unnerving thought that my life is (so far) turning out frighteningly the way I thought it would.

At 15, I thought I would go far away to college (check), fall in love there (check), go to graduate school (check), and marry that person I fell in love with in college (check in the future).

Isn't that odd? I was reading an old journal from early college today that talked about an internship that I wanted to get one day and now...I have that internship this summer.

WHAT IS GOING ON???

It's very strange to me that it seems so wrong and weird that my plans for my life are coming to fruition. Isn't that...ideal? We have visions for the future because we want them to become reality. Why do I feel so weird that they are becoming reality?

I guess on some level we must make plans for life and not fully expect to follow through on them, or expect that something will change our course. Which is natural since so much of the future is unknown and so much in life often depends on luck or chance.

I think my unease about this things are turning out the way I thought they would situation is related to my perpetual feeling that the other shoe is about to drop on my life. My life is too good. Things work out for me, and I have been blessed in many ways by virtue of nothing more than being born where I was and to whom and with what genes. People aren't supposed to be lucky like I am lucky. I shouldn't be so blessed, so what's the deal? Is the world buttering me up in preparation for some big catastrophe? I have been waiting for this other shoe to drop for years now and nothing. Most people who seem happy or privileged have something hard in their lives. Divorce. Illness. Death of a parent. But I don't! Most parents want their children's lives to be better than their own. I just hope we break even.

Such ridiculous problems I have. I should probably go to sleep.

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